From Grief to Groove: Emma Wallingford Returns to the Stage

Credit: Giles Clasen

 Story and Photos by Giles Clasen

Emma Wallingford is getting the band back together.

After a three-year hiatus, Wallingford is performing with her band, Emma Mayes and the Hip, on Thursday, October 26 at the Mercury Café.

The Denver-based musical group was on the rise in 2019 and was even nominated that year for Westword’s “Best of Denver” issue in the Best Soul Band category. That same year, they also played their biggest show to date for the City Park Jazz Summer Concert Series.

Then, Wallingford faced two different tragedies that changed the trajectory of her life, which halted the band's ascent. Wallingford’s brother took his life in 2019. In March 2020, her mother died following surgery to treat lung cancer.

“It was just one monumental loss after another in the span of five months,” Wallingford said. “I still can't comprehend it sometimes. I still can’t believe the instability and chaos it created in my life.”

Wallingford began posting a grief journal to her social media accounts.

“I started writing because grief is universal; it doesn't discriminate. I knew my mom was proud of my writing. I knew that it was going to help people. It just felt like the proper thing to do, to just be vulnerable. It just kind of came naturally. I decided, ‘I'm going to start writing and sharing this and see what happens,’” Wallingford said.

Many of Wallingford’s journal entries laid bare the raw emotion so many people experience when facing grief. One post from May 2021 said simply, “Here I am.” It included a picture of her crying, staring directly into the camera.

In the summer of 2020, Wallingford encouraged others experiencing grief to seek help and suggested speaking to their doctors about the benefits of antidepressants.

“I take antidepressants, and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed about it,” Wallingford wrote. “Some people need a little extra help getting out of bed in the morning, or to calm down the unrelenting overthinking that swarms their minds. And that’s okay.”

Some of the posts documented how Wallingford worked through her grief. For example, she posted about a ritual where she covered herself in her brother’s and mother’s ashes.

She also wrote about releasing her loved ones’ ashes in different places that have significance to Wallingford. According to Wallingford, while she did not mention it in her grief journal, she said that she marveled at how she could differentiate between her mother’s and brother’s ashes – even from a distance - because they were different colors.

Today, Wallingford understands why those experiences were meaningful to her.

“Carrying and releasing their ashes is just a way of taking them on experiences with me, and having them present,” Wallingford said. “People go and visit grave sites. I need something more. I'm able to have this visceral way of honoring them. It just feels really cathartic to leave my mother and brother in beautiful places.”

Wallingford keeps a small jar of their ashes in her bedroom and has bits of their ashes embedded in some of her tattoos.

She sought her own path forward, even if unusual, documenting much of it. Wallingford moved to Costa Rica, tried to have a relationship while still processing her loss, and then returned to Denver.

Wallingford’s goal for her journal was to help others while seeking relief herself, but the transparency wasn’t always received well.

“My dad and I didn't talk for a minute because he had friends that were like, ‘We're worried. Why is she posting all of this?’” Wallingford said. “I had a friend that was saying, ‘It's been long enough. We don't want to see it anymore. We want to see you happy.’”

Wallingford refused to pretend she was a shiny, happy person. She feared that hiding her anguish would make her sadness all-consuming.

She understood that some might feel more comfortable if she stopped writing the grief journal. But Wallingford felt that suffering in silence would make it harder to overcome the loss. She hoped by sharing her grieving process, she could help others experiencing loss and depression.

According to Wallingford, she sees now that she didn’t always handle her grief well. At times, she lashed out at bandmates, turned to drugs and alcohol, and pushed loved ones away. She shared all of this bit-by-bit in real-time, even if she didn’t understand in the moment the harm she was causing herself and others.

Wallingford didn’t see her growing addiction sneaking up on her. Her brother had always been the addict in her family. His alcohol and drug use overshadowed her own. She had seen problematic addiction firsthand. But she felt her alcohol use didn’t reach that degree. Eventually, she could no longer ignore the signs.

In a February 2022 post,  Wallingford prefaced her post with a trigger warning, saying she was entering inpatient treatment.

“At any rate, my coping mechanisms have become quite toxic, especially when I’m alone,” Wallingford wrote. “I’ve found myself choosing a dark path when no one can judge me, and that often found me at the end of a bottle of wine. I have been stuck in the numb phase of grief, hopelessly wishing to get back to feeling anything and accessing my tears. Sometimes that only seems possible with some help with drinking and feeling my absolute worst, so I can sob and feel bad about myself.”

It took a year for Wallingford to get completely sober. She now has nearly seven months of sobriety. According to Wallingford, the hardest part was calling her old bandmates to apologize and see if they wanted to play together.

“It was amazing, they were so kind,” she said. “They were more concerned about me and where I’m at than my mistakes. I couldn’t believe it.”

During their October 26 show which is their first performance in nearly four years, the band will play covers that are meaningful to Wallingford and remind her of her brother and mother, as well as some of the band's original work.

Wallingford said she isn’t sure where the band might go long-term. She is planning to pursue a master’s degree and become a grief counselor. She knows music will always be an important part of her life. She considers the band’s first reunion show back will be another step in her healing process.

You can count on Wallingford to share the significance of the show in her grief journal.

To get tickets for Emma Mayes and the Hip follow this link: https://www.tixr.com/groups/bandwagon/events/emma-mayes-the-hip-jordin-dearinger-andrea-pares-payden-widner-78044

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call 988 to reach the Suicide and Xcrisis Lifeline. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, or text HOME to 741741.